I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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