I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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