ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
