Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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