so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
