I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
