I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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