i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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