don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
