i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
