Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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