My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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