just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
