when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
