i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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