I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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