you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
