I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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