Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
