ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
