I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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