Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
