Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
