Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My bed smells like the plague
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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