You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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