You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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