The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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