I think I died a long time ago.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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