When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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