Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
