When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
