you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
