and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
