god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
