like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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