Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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