just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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