He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
