cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
