she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
