shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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