He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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