Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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