I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
