dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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