seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
