I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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