Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
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I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize