is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
