I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
