a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
