He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
