i just wanna soil my oats bro
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
