I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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