I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
