i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
