Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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