Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm passing your future prison.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
